Live. Love. Laugh.

friends

Ever since I transferred to UT, I have been in search of good girl friends.
I think that PDV made me believe in something that rarely occurs in the real world- instant, life-long friendship.

After being in treatment with someone for a month, I felt a bond with them that could only be explained as “family.”

When I watch the show”Sex and the City” I can’t help but notice that the four of them have soul mates in each other, and spend their time looking for their male-soul mate.

Well, I have the man, but I want the friends too!

I am thinking of putting an ad on Craigslist:

“Young, female college student looking for lifelong female friend.”

Pepper

There was always a joke in my family that when I was nine years old and my dad’s job was relocated from Minnesota to Texas, that I said the following:
“I will move to Texas if we get a house with a pool….
I will stay in Texas if we get a dog.”

Sure enough, we got a house with a pool, and then within the year, we got a dog.

We found Pepper at the humane society. We don’t know much about his life, prior to when we met him. We just know that he and his brother were given to someone who mistreated them. This was someone who most likely did not know how to train dogs, and used force rather than patience. Then when the dogs were 9 months old, they were thrown away.

I remember feeling shy, and a little bit nervous to meet the dogs. Basically in order to get to know the animals, they put you in a small room with the animal of choice, and then you hang out there for a little bit. My whole family was in a little room with Pepper and his brother so there was a lot of movement.

After spending sometime with the two of them, it was clear that Pepper was our dog. He was sweet, high-energy, friendly, and very happy. His tail was wagging the whole time.

Within our first week, he chewed plenty of things in the house. He ate an entire pizza. And he became a member of our family.

Several years later, when I went through my traumatic 8th grade year, Pepper was there for me. I used to go inside my closet and try to shut out the world. Pepper would come in there with me and lick my tears. I remember clinging on to his neck and sobbing. He was just the friend I needed. He listened, he comforted, and he didn’t judge.

The year that my beloved Grandpa died, I felt like part of my Grandpa’s spirit went in to Pepper. They have the same gentle, quiet, patient love. Pepper gives the exact same ‘smile of love’ that my Grandpa gave me. When he died, having Pepper around was a huge comfort.

We used to joke that if anyone ever broke in to the house, Pepper would just lick him to death. Every person that comes to the door, Pepper welcomes with open paws.

When I got home from school in the afternoons, Pepper would be waiting by the door. He greeted me with licks and love. No matter how bad the day was, Pepper would be there to make me feel better.

The visits home from college always meant Pepper would sleep in my room. If both my brother and I were home, he would rotate from room to room.

When I came home from being away at Puente de Vida for an entire year… I was in complete shock. It didn’t feel real that I was finally really HOME. The whole car ride home I was just trying to take it all in. When I opened my front door and Pepper came running…. I fell to the floor crying. There was my dog. I was really home. I did it. I survived my eating disorder and was really HOME.

A few nights ago, I spent the night and sure enough, I woke up to him at my feet.

Pepper has been such a wonderful member of my family. He brought so much love, comfort and joy to all of us. I know he has led a good life…

Tomorrow we are putting Pepper down. His time has come. I am completely unprepared to say goodbye, but at the same time, I know I cannot hold on any longer. I have been blessed by his life. I am honored that he is a part of my family.

It causes so much pain to think of not having him around to greet me, or whack me with his tail, but I think of all that Pepper has done for me, and done for my family… and I am just so grateful to him for all of it.

So tomorrow, when I’m saying goodbye, I plan to really just say THANK YOU.

time to share??

I have a lot of thoughts and probably even more feelings…. but I don’t know how to express them.

I went to Barkley (my 5 month old puppy) for hugs and kisses. But although that did warm my heart, I still have a level of uneasiness.

When I went to Scott for some extra love I was greeted with logic and what felt like judgment. (Disclaimer- I love Scott and he does an amazing job at being a supportive and loving boyfriend… but nobody’s perfect!)

I am so lucky to be in recovery. Well, lucky isn’t the right word. I worked hard for a year in treatment, and have been working ever since. I was blessed with a treatment team that never gave up on me. I was even more blessed with a family that was willing to put my health, over my ‘happiness.’
That sounds like a strange choice, but at the time I was killing myself and letting me make my own choices would’ve resulted in my own demise.

I don’t talk about my days at Puente De Vida often. I talk about the great friends I made there. I talk about some of the rules that people find ridiculous. I’m constantly talking about recovery…. but the stories I heard, and the things I went through, those I keep to myself.

However, I feel that maybe it is time to share.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing this though.
I don’t want to take away from anyone’s privacy, or breech any sort of confidentiality.

But, this whole thought process started today when one of my dearest friends from treatment confided in how she was doing. The answer is… probably as bad as one could get before being dead.

You know how when soldiers come back from war they often have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? Sometimes I feel like we all went to war together, and I came home with a little PTSD from the experience.
Now I have so much respect for the people who fight for our country and I absolutely do not want to belittle their experiences by comparing it to mine. I just want to explain what a BATTLE it was.Every day for us to get up and live was a battle.

Each meal and snack that we ate was a victory.

I hate when people joke about anorexia, or any other eating disorder. Those people have no idea.

At PDV the dinner table was glass. We had no napkins.We had to eat a certain way.We had to be done by a certain time. We had to eat everything on our plate. Dislikes, or vegetarianism was not respected. By the end of the day we must have consumed between eight and ten glasses of water.

There was no dancing. No fidgeting. No exercise of any kind. We had therapy three times a day for an hour and a half each, after which we journaled. No books. No TV. No cell phone. We spent our free time (between 4-6 every day) either playing Sudoku, drawing, or journaling. There were two phones. Phone time was between 4 and 5. Ten minutes per call. The only time we listened to music was during our free time. And there was one CD player. All CD’s had to be approved. Any songs mentioning drugs, alcohol, sex, or food was not allowed. Showers were five minutes.

We woke up every morning at 6am. We went to bed every night at 10pm. The only time we went outside was if we were going to
a. the hospital
b. to get our blood taken/ other tests

And it was all exactly what I needed.

Today I went to the park to study for a couple of hours today. I had Barkley with me and he sniffed around and chewed on sticks while I read.

It was probably the nicest afternoon I’ve had in a while.

I think that both Scott and I get so caught up with being tired/things not going right/busy lives.. that we forget to just enjoy the days.

I mean, not to say that we don’t have fun… but being cramped in one room with a puppy means lots of little arguments about nothing. I keep thinking how much better next year will be when we have our own apartment with our own kitchen, living room, and dining room. Plus Scott is going to have a “Man Cave” which leaves the rest of the apartment to be decorated by me!! :)

Although, last year Scott and Kyle were sharing a room, and we kept talking about how great this year would be. And I’m sure next year I’ll be thinking about how great it’ll be when we’re married and I don’t have to feel embarrassed about living with my boyfriend.

I guess my pain point is that to focus on the here and now. At PDV we had this thing called “future-tripping” and I think I’m future skipping.

I am soooo blessed and I want to really appreciate my wonderful life. I have the most amazing boyfriend and family and we’re all here in Austin. I don’t think many people can say that they are in the same city as their parents, and their sibling (after hs anyway). Plus every one is healthy and doing well. I finally have the dog of my dreams.

All this has made me want to watch Pollyanna and play the glad game!

The Hills

There is a “The Hills” marathon on MTV right now. I am ashamed to admit this but it’s actually causing me to think about my own life.

In high school I had such a closeness with a few girls. I thought of them as my sisters, and although there was certainly drama here and there, they were always there for me.

Then I left for California and made the most amazing friends there. I learned so much from them and my views on a lot of things changed. I had previously really valued perfection. I thought that being perfect meant being beautiful, being innocent, being a good Christian, going to college, getting married, having good little Christian babies. I didn’t want to have any deviations from that idea.

Going to California and seeing all the different ways people can live out their lives really opened my eyes. I stopped desiring an ideal of perfection, and starting wanting to just live MY life. We only get one life, we only have so long to be “young.” I realized how much I was wasting trying to be someone I was not. I mean, I still want to get married and have babies. I still very much value my relationship with God…  but the way I think about myself, and the way I think about life has definitely changed.

I am so much happier now than I have embraced all my flaws. Ok, well maybe not ALL of them. :)

Future fiance

Scott is on a phone interview and just referring to me as his future-fiance. :)
That made my heart sing a bit!

It’s so funny. His friends at UT are all about the single life, partying, drinking, making out with girls.. etc.
My friends at ACU are all about the ring by spring. I feel like half my friends from ACU are either engaged or married. I’m constantly getting facebook updates of engagement photos.
I think it helps give us our opposing views on when the right time to get married is! 

Of course, true to my gender, I have been planning my wedding since I was four. I used to put a white skirt on my head (as a veil) and force my brother to be my groom. :)

“Pilot”

I used to love blogging. In high school I used it to post all my pictures… this was in an ancient time when facebook was just becoming popular, and just for college students.

Now the kids I used to babysit for are “friending” me. Actually, Madi, who I remember being in diapers friended me.
That’s kind of cute, but when I get facebook updates about them being in relationships… I feel very old. I am, afterall, going to be twenty-two next month!

I haven’t yet decided if I am going to make this private, or if I should let the world in. I donno who would even really be interested. But I guess Anne Frank said the same thing and we all had to read her book in middle school.

I guess this could be a great place for me to tell all my adorable little-kid stories.
Or a place for me to vent when life is imperfect, which of course, is always.

I like the idea of have a cool quote every post though. So for my first quote:

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.”
-Charles Darwin